the friend i lost but am still looking for

you said that you were here and i believed you. but now those words seem to have disappeared just as you have and i’m left with traces of a past i want to be present. another message ignored; another insecurity restored – i sit and ponder and worry and wonder what i did wrong. i’m so confused. and yet i’m still here in this space which is perhaps denial but i thought it was patience because i’m waiting for you. still waiting. not so patiently waiting. the only thing comforting me that you will return is the memory of what was and the most deceiving emotion of them all – love. they say it’s blinding but then it’s so dark in here anyway i can’t tell. i can’t tell. or maybe i don’t want to tell. i want you to prove the voices and the people wrong and i know you can, don’t i?

another day’s gone; another day’s spent disconnected yet my wire is still affected by your frequencies. please come back. this silence is deafening.

do you remember that day? that day when, when i cried but you were there. you ran and we hugged and you were there. you made me me tea then we walked and talked and you were there. we listened to that get lucky song and it was so inappropriate at the time that we just laughed. i rested my head on your shoulder and nestled in your warmth and we sat in perfect silence together.

together we were unstoppable. we were going to rock it.

somewhere along the way we lost each other. i don’t know where and now i can’t find you but i keep seeing you in things, in memories, in emotions. my heart hurts as if it’s muscle has pulled after some strenuous exercise – the strenuous exercise of unrequited something. because it wasn’t love, was it? it was friendship, wasn’t it? maybe i was kidding myself i don’t know.

i watched a tv programme today and it reminded me of you and i missed  you.

please come back. this silence is deafening.

lost

snapshot of my life | aug 16 | loo roll edition

my friends, and so it is that i welcome you to the final installment of gugb as my generic ungeneric gap year is brought to a close. i thought what better way to end than through trying to capture this particular moment in a series of simple (and slightly random) things that make up myself currently as i am in all my ineptly adulting self. without much further ado, i shall begin…

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music wise, i’m currently into a whole mismatch of things. i would love to say the song i’ve got stuck in my head is a really deep and beautiful indie folk tune by someone you’ve never heard of. however that’s not true; my current ear worm is tilted by christine and the queens. only the chorus though, followed by a lot of mumbling due to my lack of knowing the words…

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i’m off to falmouth university in september to begin a three year degree in business entrepreneurship. it’s great that i’m going to an arts university because i’ve realised that i thrive in creative environments much more than in academic ones so it’s perfect for me. i’m terrified because it’s a completely new chapter for me and i’m not ensure how it’ll affect my mental health, but excited to see how i grow and develop through the journey.

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the average day for me at the minute is that there is no average day. this past year has been a complete whirlwind and no two weeks have ever been the same because i’m constantly juggling 101 things. so i guess an average day for me is one where i’m very busy. it’s exciting to be doing lots, but i’ve learnt that i have to literally schedule in time out in my diary to make sure i honour myself with some.

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i have many tremendous people in my life who i see sporadically. i really appreciate all my friendships and feel guilty sometimes because i’m so busy that i don’t get to see people as much as i’d like but it makes the times i do see them all the more special. to my pals, thanks for putting up with my hectic life and still loving me even though you don’t see me very often – i love you too, a lot.

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yes i’m single woop woop. kinda glad ngl because relationships scare the living daylights out of me. i don’t think i’m quite ready for that yet. it’ll happen, when it happens, if it’s ever supposed to happen. at the minute i have such intimate and strong friendships that any single blues just don’t exist. happily an independent human thank you very much.

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there have been many great moments this year, but one that stands out for me was on my recent trip to spain with pals. when we were in pamplona there was the bull fighting festival going on which was basically a massive party and after getting mildly intoxicated me and a friend proceeded to join in some traditional spanish dance in the centre of a square. we had no clue what we were doing but just copied everyone else and it was the best feeling to dance without a care in the world; at that moment nothing else mattered and i was completely on cloud nine.

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oh my gosh I can’t believe I was interviewed live on the radio! This was in january and I got to go into the bbc building and spend about half an hour on bbc radio bristol talking about my social enterprise and why i started it all whilst most importantly raising awareness of mental health and mental health problems, specifically in teenagers. it was surreal and an opportunity I’m so so grateful to have been given.

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i’m tired of feeling insecure. it’s so much effort. i’ve accepted now that i’m always going to struggle a little with confidence, because that’s how i am, but i’ve decided to just embrace that now and make fun of myself. i’ve learnt to laugh at myself because really, i’m just quite funny. my trying to function doing everyday activities is similar to some sort of sketch show and it’s great. sure some days i still feel incredibly insecure, but other days when i’m a little stronger i try and say to myself ‘fudge it; i am who i am and how i am and that’s all i can be.’ i’m the best person at being me so i might as well just do that.

thanks for following me on this rollercoaster journey this past year – i hope i’ve given you something in return for reading my words. if not, let me know and i’ll send you a virtual hug or something. or a real one; arranging to meet up purely for the purpose of a hug is definitely justified i feel.

just remember the main thing i’ve learnt this year; there’s no one better at being you than you.

thank you, and good night! (or morning or afternoon depending on when you’re reading this; i don’t want to discriminate)

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the secret to your magic

i want you to imagine something for me. i want you to imagine you are outside and waking around town or a park or wherever there are people. you put on a pair of spectacles, you look up and what do you see? you see the very same people you saw walking around without the spectacles on, except this time there’s something different about them. they’re the same, but they’re different. after a moment you realise you can see some sort of weird floating cloud of a potion containing many colours just in front of each person’s chest; in front of the left side of their chest; in front, you realise, of their heart. what is it you ask?

it’s the secret to their magic.

i have a love of people. i am a people lover. i love, i appreciate and i believe in people. and the other day i came to the realisation that one of the reasons i love people is because of their individual magic. and thus i put those metaphorical spectacles on, and i saw. i looked up and i saw people and imagined them walking around with this mystical cloud in front of them, showing their true colors if you will. for if you have magic, you need some components, and these components surfaced themselves in different colour potions which formed the beautifully mystic cloud. there was red for passion, bright purple for a thirst to discover the unknown and a faint orange for those who are pensive; there were so many colours and variations of colours; more than you ever could imagine. it was a beautiful sight.

i couldn’t help thinking that if this was true; that if people really could see everybody’s magic in their human being, it would solve a lot of things. but transparency isn’t an option. because with transparency comes no need for trust and trust is what makes relationships so wonderful.the ability to have the opportunity to feel trusted by someone and trusted with something is similar to that of feeling loved. indeed, the both often go hand in hand.

you have your very own potion consisting of a concoction of all the things that make you who you are. everyone has their own magic. yours is unique to you. that in itself makes it mind-blowing. 

thank you for bringing colour into the world. even if it may go unnoticed by you, it doesn’t go unnoticed by me. those spectacles aren’t real, and if we’re not particularly close then chances are i won’t have a clue what the ingredients of your potion are, but i know it does exist. why do i know it exists? 

because i know you are a wonder. 

ask. a simple poem about something that should be simple.

where do i start? where to start. i’ve thought many a times.

now i feel like i’ve started some sort of rhythm,

it seems everything now needs to rhyme.

it’s a bit like that in the clubs, on the phone or in the street

when a guy looks, touches, or talks inappropriately to me.

it seems i have no control,

i have to let it be

and so i do;

i endure it

and it feels like being trodden on and kicked into the mud –

where am i in all of this?

i’m tired of that panic feeling –

i’m tired of feeling intruded upon;

how do they manage to get under my skin

without me even taking my clothes off.

i can stand fully clothed and feel as if i’m stood there bare;

enticing them in some sort of way;

being the sexualised object nature intended me to be.

how can i survive in a world that turns a blind eye to this?

how can i survive in a world that taught me to endure?

feeling powerless and so small;

they look at me and touch me and remind me what i am to the outside world;

i’m so tired of this.

i’m worried about how little i now care –

wait, no –

how much i care, and how little energy i have left.

my little heart is beating fast

but i’m paralysed in your arms;

i can’t move; i don’t know where to go –

eyes are everywhere;

hands are everywhere;

sex is everywhere.

i just want to escape.

please just STOP.

no doesn’t mean no until it means yes.

silence doesn’t mean yes.

eye contact doesn’t mean yes.

dancing doesn’t mean yes.

talking to you doesn’t mean yes.

yes yesterday doesn’t mean yes today.

only ‘yes’ now means yes.

ask.

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dancing on candy floss amidst the stars

i’d forgotten that life can be fun. not only that, but i’d forgotten how fun. i’ve rediscovered this these last few days and it feels like i’ve broken through the surface of a sea of misery after being trapped below and i can finally breathe and i’m panting and panting and trying to get as much air inside of me as i can and it feels sweet.

i spent a lot of time in spain taking in my surroundings; breathing them in; feeling them; getting in touch with them; thinking not about what i was doing next or what i haven’t done before but simply being in the there and now. it was wonderful. i swam in the sea and floated and gazed at the blue sky and thanked god that i was alive. i listened to birds singing as i slept in parks comforted by the shade of trees that could be impressionist paintings. i played cards and laughed and looked at my friends and felt so lucky to have them. i wanted so many moments to never end.

these last few weeks have really tested me. but they’ve tested me for the better. my anxiety was the highest it had been in a while and i was constantly putting myself in unknown situations which kept pushing my boundaries and it was terrifying. it was terrifying but it was brilliant.

a business review, two festivals and three cities in spain later, i’m learning to feel the fear and do it anyway. although i’ve had an amazing few weeks, i’ve also cried a lot when situations have got too overwhelming. this wasn’t fun, but i learnt to get help, pace myself, listen to some music, calm the fudge down, pull up my socks and carry on. and i’m so glad i did.

festivals are my jam. travelling and staying in hostels and camping is my jam. i wasn’t sure if i was that type of person, but it turns out i am. my anxiety has stopped me from adventuring things like this so far and kidded me into thinking i just don’t like it. but above the fear and darkness lies brightness and fresh air and the exhilarating boundless ability to explore.

i don’t know how long this euphoric feeling will last. back home lie the memories of before and the pressures of tomorrow and they’re not going to go away. however, for now i feel i am dancing on candy floss amidst the stars; this all feels such a dream. as i peer out of this plane window the clouds seem in reach and the sun on my side. i managed it, i made it, and i had an amazing time.

i’ll leave you with a poem i wrote whilst in a park in pamplona during an afternoon of calm before a night of partying;

the birds sing their song

unaffected by the hustle below

of people covered

in red and white cloth;

the unity tradition brings

causes all divisions to be lost.

here i am one of them –

we are the same;

all striving for one thing:

nothing else remains.


i sit in the park

with the birds singing above

the familiar tune they do,

and it all seems so simple;

the world,

and me,

and you.


peace is a wonderful thing;

it feeds our starved souls.

the calmness of the trees

seeps into my head

and right through to my toes.


oh spain, you beauty;

with your musical language so.

i wish i could stay here forever

and siesta always below

these majestic trees

and the diverse leaves

amongst the bare knees of those

who’ve also found peace

as they rest and sleep

amidst the echoes of all our foes.


forever will you have

a position in my heart –

the most wonderful part

where beauty defeats fear and woe.

and i’ll turn to you

when all seems lost

and be reminded of when

you comforted and embossed

your birdsong and trees and all the bare knees –

so silently yet with a roar –

on the scrapbook 

of my mismatched life;


you always will i adore.

vacancy for best friend; apply within

a vacancy has arisen for the job of my best friend. after a few turbulent weeks, the current best friend known by the name of ‘my conscience’ has been removed from their post due to an incompetence to appreciate my validity of being a human being. it was largely ignoring it’s main job which was of course, to make me feel good about myself and had turned it’s attention instead, to beating me up (mentally).

discussions are now in place to once again train up the conscience to working the way it should, however temporarily the best friend position needs to be filled in order to bridge the gap and provide support. requirements for the role are as follows;

– don’t be a dick

– don’t compare me to everyone else all the time

– congratulate me on my successes

– help me evaluate but not dwell on things that go wrong

– make tea

there are certain aspects of the role you may find challenging, so it’s best to check you’re okay to answer ‘yes’ to all these questions before applying:

– are you okay spending time with me?

– are you human?

– do you like dairy milk oreo?

salary is loving texts and gifts arriving at your door randomly.

if you are interested at all in the role please print out your cv as well as a cover letter and make lots of origami hearts out of them to give to strangers.

this is not a joke.

it is; i joke.

gracie sodzi – coporatising friendships and relationships since human interaction became too much effort

labour shortages? advertise!
labour shortages? advertise!

 

 

 

guilt; the weightiest weight of all emotions

when it comes to not feeling 100%, i feel a lot of guilt.

guilt for not being okay.
guilt for not not being able to explain it.
guilt for causing my family and friends the hurt of seeing me sad.
guilt for not being able to appreciate how lucky i know i am.
guilt for saying i’m not feeling okay so labelling it ‘not 100%’ instead.
guilt for saying that.

i am stuck inside my head in this jail cell which seems from the outside to not be locked shut, however to me it is; but that’s the problem; only i can see it.

it’s very easy to be happy; there’s no need to share feelings or be honest and vulnerable. you’re easy to be around and you can be productive and being productive is a good thing in society. there’s no misunderstanding of how you’re feeling or stigma around what you’re feeling and nobody has to worry about you. your messages are easy to reply to and aren’t in any way emotionally draining for other people, and your blog posts are never too much; never too happy for the internet; never too happy that it’s inappropriate to share.

i’m responsible for my own mental health and this is what scares me. it’s up to me to talk to people and take time out and look after my mind; i am the only one that can do this for myself. the shy little 4 year old me that never used to talk squirms at that idea. sometimes, it’s just a lot easier not to talk.

but easy doesn’t mean right.

it’s hard for me to know what to post on the internet, and what not to. you see, my blog is my way of processing how i’m feeling; it’s a creative space for me to explore – it’s where i’m most honest. but i just wonder why it’s acceptable to be honest when things are good, but not when things aren’t? is that to do with stigma? is that to do with boundaries? am i just being selfish and inconsiderate of other people’s feelings? and so begins the guilt.

when it comes to not feeling 100%, i feel a lot of guilt.

deja vu? you go around in circles a lot when you’re inside your own head.

i need to open some windows in my head and let some fresh air into my mind; it’s getting stuffy.

this is for you, to let you know that it’s okay to not feel okay. if you feel guilty like i do, know that i think it’s okay to not be okay. it’s okay to not be able to explain it. it’s okay. i’m still here, and you’re still here and we’re both here together and we’re gonna make it.

screw that, we’re gonna rock it.

be you; be-you-tiful

hugs pal

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